Yesterday in the train, I was reminded of
this post from July 2006. Wow, that's almost 6 years back.
Here's what it says.
PJ is unhappy and a little upset. She is wondering why and each time the question runs in her head, she gets a collage of thoughts, memories and emotions. So she quickly turns to her computer and stares at it trying to empty her mind and clear her thoughts. Maybe its a break she needs. From the endless routine of things. Of her life. Maybe she shouldn't let people judge her and tell her what she is. Yes, that has to stop. Taking input thats worse than garbage. Trying to be someone else when she is most comfortable being herself. Who is she to tell me what PJ is and what PJ is thinking? She can choose what she wants because this is her life. PJ will do what she wants and what makes her happy even if she finds it funny or dull or boring or ordinary. Nobody is ordinary in this world. And definitely PJ is not ordinary! She is only trying to discover herself. To know what she wants so that she can go about getting there.
I think we should just.. let her be...
No points for guessing PJ is me. And I remember most of the circumstances of writing this. But basically it comes down to this - I was judged a lot. As horrible as this may sound, some of it was well-meaning. I was this small-town girl who had moved to the big city with 3000rs in her non-branded purse. Almost everything gave me a culture-shock. Obviously people judged me.
For instance, I was constantly accused of being too nice and eager to please and a doormat. From the post above, it looks like I was also deemed ordinary. I don't remember who said that or most of those things. I was all of these things though, let's be clear on that. I was in awe of most people I met and I was petrified that I would not fit in and be liked by all. So yes I was nice to everyone, didn't disagree with anything much, and was super flexible with things like meeting someone for lunch over dinner at last minute notice, or picking up someone's snack for them, or whatever. You get the idea.
I was also judged for reading "trash". I couldn't care less about that. If I enjoy Chetan Bhagat, I will read Chetan Bhagat. This was my attitude back then too but since I was "too nice", I never said that to anyone's face. Today, I wouldn't bat an eyelid before saying it.
Anyway, the point is, I am no longer a doormat. Far from it. I stand by what I can and cannot do. I am still nice (and no one can convince me otherwise) and help as much as possible within my limits. If I can't then I won't. I haven't read the latest book by CB but I do read what could still be deemed trash. Whatever.
Ironically, most of the people who asked me to change "for the better" are no longer my friends or in touch with me. I am really not sure what to make of that. Do you? ;)
